While looking for Jessica Alba pictures on the Internet (purely for research purposes, of course), I stumbled across a website that is "Christian" in name, though obviously not in spirit.
Its job is to take all the latest Hollywood movies, and watch them very carefully with very dirty minds, in order to determine how much sin can be found or imagined, and then give it a numeric rating for sheer volume of sin depicted, and also how numerically likely this is to "influence" children.
If a lot of sin is depicted or hinted at in the film, then the suggested remedy is to not defile yourself and your family by watching this film (which the reviewers bravely sat through, hands down pants) and then you are to read several "Selected Scriptures of Armour against the influence of the entertainment industry" from that mild, safe, unremarkable book, the bible, which one can safely read without ever encountering defiling depictions of sin or violence of any kind. There are notes about the scriptures that "If needed to focus or fortify, applicable text is underlined or bracketed [ ] or bold."
Its job is to take all the latest Hollywood movies, and watch them very carefully with very dirty minds, in order to determine how much sin can be found or imagined, and then give it a numeric rating for sheer volume of sin depicted, and also how numerically likely this is to "influence" children.
If a lot of sin is depicted or hinted at in the film, then the suggested remedy is to not defile yourself and your family by watching this film (which the reviewers bravely sat through, hands down pants) and then you are to read several "Selected Scriptures of Armour against the influence of the entertainment industry" from that mild, safe, unremarkable book, the bible, which one can safely read without ever encountering defiling depictions of sin or violence of any kind. There are notes about the scriptures that "If needed to focus or fortify, applicable text is underlined or bracketed [ ] or bold."
I have never considered using my bible as a magical talisman or fetish against celluloid evil (I wonder if it works for cellulite?) I guess it never occurred to me that THAT'S WHAT IT'S FOR! The next movie I see, I'll consider bringing some holy water, silver bullets and crosses, just so I feel safe. I'll also mutter portions of Proverbs under my breath and scatter ashes made from a fingerbone of John The Baptist on my popcorn just to be sure.
The website in question is here.
(I note that both Aliens Vs. Predator and Quills, (the story about the life of the Marquis De Sade), were seen as nearly twice as "acceptable for children to watch" as Austin Powers. I note that depicting demons and ghosts are Offences To God, but not aliens or unicorns) I picture Christian kids whose parents are away at Golgotha Parents' Retreat for the weekend saying "We've GOT rent this one! It scored a ZERO due to how many Disgustingly Sensual Displays of Female Naughtyflesh it has!")
I also note from The Brothers Grimm review that the descendants of the people who used to burn witches now consider it "wanton violence" to watch a witch get killed in a movie by breaking a mirror with a rock, or to witness "brother repeatedly hitting brother." (that last one reminds me of something. I can't be sure what.) "Unholy control of a girl's shawl" (telekinesis) is listed under the "Offense To God" section along with "offering a child in sacrifice" (though the child is rescued at the last minute...wait...that one reminds me of something too..) and "revelry" (i.e. eating, drinking and dancing while music is playing). I didn't know God loved shawls or hating dancing so much. Or maybe only Holy Control of a Girl's Shawl should be depicted. I have witnessed the efficacy of shawls among holy women of God in warding off sensual thoughts (mine, not theirs.)
Umm...I checked out the verses quoted to protect people from Fantastic Four, which I have seen, and discovered that I apparently somehow entirely missed the fact that, not only was Chris Evans holding a parka around his naked body to hide his pulsating genitals, he was OBVIOUSLY and CLEARLY "holding himself" THROUGH the parka. ( I think the reviewers of the film might have been thinking of their own actions at that point.) Jessica Alba being briefly seen in her flowered underwear for pseudo-comedic purposes was implied to have been (obviously) a bad, self-indulgent thing for the filmmakers to depict. They didn't really explain why this was. I personally thought it was one of the most vivid displays of The Wonders Of God's Handiwork that I'd seen in some time. It made me feel particularly blessed in my pants. (Hips like that don't just evolve from hot, latina monkeys, my friend.)
The scriptures quoted were mostly ones about the fact that wicked people delight in violence and immorality. The implication is that, it is very human and normal (and horribly wrong) to get entertainment out of depictions of people punching each other or drinking alcohol or shooting guns or stealing things on screen...Could it be that Proverbs was describing as "wicked" the sort of people who actually delight in REAL violence and immorality, rather than people who see it depicted onscreen (or described in books, including the bible, with its whores-in-the-lineage-of-our-lord, abductions, dismemberments, rapes, mass slaughters, tossing women out windows for their still-warm corpses to be devoured by dogs, stabbings of javelins through both bodies of a couple having sex in a tent, mass killings of the enemy and "taking" their gentile foreskins by the hundreds as trophies etc)?
Is it possible that the authors of Proverbs (Solomon and that other guy's mom too) were saying that it was wicked to delight in actual bad things, and that stories with violence or bad things in them (i.e. David and Goliath) aren't quite the same thing, actually? I am familiar with the argument that it is very possible that watching things on the big screen leads to actually indulging in the iniquities seen (I know in my case it sometimes leads to illegally downloading said films at home!) Well, you'll have to excuse me. I think I'll go out and get some guys with sunglasses, black suits and matching cars, and we'll evade the police, rappel down from the ceiling at a museum and steal the World's Largest Diamond without setting off the sensors, crash said cars into things so they can explode three times each, then we'll all have sex with supermodels while freebasing heroin. Oh, and we'll swear, too. While smoking.
Is it possible that the authors of Proverbs (Solomon and that other guy's mom too) were saying that it was wicked to delight in actual bad things, and that stories with violence or bad things in them (i.e. David and Goliath) aren't quite the same thing, actually? I am familiar with the argument that it is very possible that watching things on the big screen leads to actually indulging in the iniquities seen (I know in my case it sometimes leads to illegally downloading said films at home!) Well, you'll have to excuse me. I think I'll go out and get some guys with sunglasses, black suits and matching cars, and we'll evade the police, rappel down from the ceiling at a museum and steal the World's Largest Diamond without setting off the sensors, crash said cars into things so they can explode three times each, then we'll all have sex with supermodels while freebasing heroin. Oh, and we'll swear, too. While smoking.
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